The hardest thing is changing…

The hardest thing is changing, breaking my habits, reworking my thought processes, reworking my brain. It seems like an impossible task. I was genuinely excited to start this blog, share my ideas, but I couldn’t keep up with. I’ve missed over two months of things, and it’s not that I haven’t had anything to write about, I just haven’t been motivated to do much.

My anxiety has changed me, it changes how my body works, how my mind thinks. I struggle falling asleep, I struggle waking up, everything is starting to become a struggle. My mind wanders to places I can’t get back from, I start thinking that everyone hates me, I replay conversation after conversation in my head. I’m trying to change for the better and become a more confident, happy person, I just don’t know what to do… I’m stuck.

 

to my former best friend…

They say people gain a pretty good idea about who you are by looking at who your friends with. Well I was seen as a push over and someone without a backbone and not because she was lacking her backbone as well. She was mean and she was mean to me. I never noticed it or maybe I did but I just put up with it. I honestly didn’t care, she was going through a lot and maybe needed a punching bag, and I was willing to be that person for her.

The truth is that put me through a lot of stress. My stomach would curl and twist every time she was mean to me, I felt like I deserved it, that I was doing something wrong, but I never did. I was a good friend, I was always there for her, and I put up with her shit.

We came to school together, where all we really knew was each other. We lived together and played on the same soccer team. As soon as we got to school she forgot I existed. She stopped telling me things, stopped talking to me, and started acting like I was the problem.

Living together is never easy, but I never had any issues with her, but she would tell people I was a mess and that I never cleaned… but I did. Then I started hearing we were never really friends, just acquaintances because we were dating brothers. Then I started hearing from people about my relationship problems. This is kind of where I reached my boiling point but still I said nothing. Her toxicity about me spread into other girls, and soon I felt alone. People started to not like me because of the picture she painted of me, no one asked me, they just believed her. I felt uncomfortable in my own house, with my team, pretty much I had no safe space. I only heard from her when she needed my clothes, my makeup, or my car. Even still whenever she was going through something I was there. She was alone and needed someone to go out with and her “real friends” ditched her so I went. She’d be crying in the next room and I’d be the one to go in and cheer her up.

She never cared about our friendship. She was never my friend, that’s why it was so easy for her to not be my friend anymore. She got mad at me over something I never did and hasn’t talked to me since. She never gave me a chance. To be honest my life has gotten easier, she’s moved out, I get along with mostly everyone on the team now, and I can finally breathe.

to my former best friend … it’s your loss.

“before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact, surrounded by assholes.”

Sigmund Freud

Week 1

I feel as if I should be walking around with a notebook, creating reminders for myself so I have something to write later. But I feel as if, if I have to write them down their not worth mentioning.

Things that made me happy this week:

1. So normally when I play music I play popular radio music. I listen to Drake, Beyonce, anything top 40. Saturday night I went to a bar where my kind of music wasn’t played. In fact I think I couldn’t name even five songs, but I was happy. I was with my boyfriend swaying side to side and just dancing with him. I had the biggest smile on my face. He always says soca music is the happiest music you will ever hear, but I never got into it. In that moment with the music so loud I couldn’t hear myself think, I was happy. I loved that music and I loved sharing that moment with him
2. My boyfriend generally makes me happy every week, as he should. We are happy together and we do some weird stuff together. He is one of the only people I can really be myself around, and I was today. I made him sit on our bed and hold me up while I did extended sit-ups. Each time I came up he would kiss me and I would start giggling. It just made me smile.
3. My friends also make me happy. I have this one friend who is probably one of the nicest people I know but has the darkest sense of humour. She’s going through some things but can always put a smile on my face and she consistently does.

04/02/17

It is surprisingly difficult to write about happiness, especially your own. This year I wanted to work on my happiness, I wanted to work on being happy. It is something I struggle with, my emotions are out of control, I worry about everything. I let things that are out of my control get to me.

I always think that there is someone out there who has it worse, and they are happy so why can’t I? I’m sitting here, with food, with money, with an education, and I’m not. I think I make problems out of nothing, and when I lose my breath and start crying over that nothing … I think I’m overreacting. I never jump to mental health, that is the last thing that comes to my mind.

I initially thought I would try talking to someone about it … a therapist. I’ve done it before but I ended up making up problems and dreading the minutes that go by. Those sixty minutes would drag on. Instead of talking about my actual problems, I lied. I was scared I wasn’t ready for a possible diagnosis, I wasn’t ready to share my truth, so I lied. I gossiped with her about trivial problems, and she never saw threw it. She believed everything I said, and was great at talking, but I didn’t solve anything. I’m not ready to be truthful with someone.

So instead of finding another therapist, I’m creating this blog. I’m going to take the time to write about things that make me happy, things that make me smile. Instead of worrying, I’m going to focus on being happy.

Be happy first.